Fears of a Father

My OH will testify to the fact I am a worrier, I know I am and try not to but for some reason those things that are important to me in life I worry about on a daily basis. Now if you’ve read my other post on fatherhood you will be aware my son was born 8 months ago and from that day forwards my life has been an endless case of concern, worry and as the title says sometimes fear.

I am pretty sure I’m not the only parent who worries on a daily basis but never the less I’ve decided to share with you some of what I stress over, as much for my own sanity as anything else.

Father In Training

I think I will always be a father in training truth be told but one of my biggest fears is not being the very best dad I can possibly be to my son and any children I have in the future. My own father wasn’t much of one to the point we haven’t spoken for 19 years and the last thing I want for my son is a father like my own.

It scared me at first having this little being that I am responsible for, I think that first drive home was the most terrifying experience of my life. Having to drive home with all those nutters on the roads with something so small in the back, shudders at the thought of doing that again.

Once home every day has been an amazing learning experience yet i still worry I am going to make a mess of it somehow. I guess that fear is a good thing in its own way as it makes me strive to be a better father each day.

My Son

Oh how I worry about him.

His health, his size (he’s only small), what his future holds, where he will go to school, his eczema, that sneeze he had last night, too much sun, not enough sun, when he goes to nursery. The list is endless and I am sure these are all normal parental concerns for their child, that doesn’t stop me though.

I’ve not even touched upon the times he spent in hospital for jaundice and a skin infection, horrible, and the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming at times.

It’s that feeling of helplessness with him that does get to me. For the last couple of nights he’s not been himself and all he has wanted was his mum. He woke after being put to bed and I tried to settle him down but all he was wanting to do was look around and see where his mum was. She had to take over in the end and he nigh on jumped into her arms and all was well.

Don’t get me wrong my son is a happy, healthy and bubbly little boy. He is hitting his milestones, starting to crawl and make proper sounds. His eating is amazing (thanks to his mothers insistence on baby led weaning). He has eczema but we control it well. His sleeping is not amazing but then again neither is mine so it’s not surprising.

So in reality I have little to worry about yet I do.


The love of my life which means she is straight into that category of I worry about her.

She is an amazing mum (I should tell her that more often) and looks after our LO while I am at work. I worry at times she takes on too much, she has breastfed for 8 months religiously, no matter how tired she is getting up in the night, she has not wavered once on wanting to do this, because that’s what’s best for our son.

At times I wish we had gone on to bottles but only for her sake, to give her a rest and maybe a decent nights sleep. She goes back to work soon and I know it will be difficult giving up that day to day contact but also the stresses on her own body if she is still breast feeding by then.

All of this doesn’t really scratch the surface but it does give a general insight into what’s going on in my head on a daily basis. I get to come to work which I hate as I miss so much of my son’s life, but it does at least give me an environment which I can control, where as a lot of my stresses come from situations I can’t control much.

Control freak ? most definitely!


The first day of the rest of my life

The day started off like any Monday morning my OH, who is 8 and half months pregnant, was up and down in the night like a yoyo to the toilet and this is where she was when I dragged myself out of bed to get ready for work. Showered and dressed yet still half asleep an excited OH tells me she’s had her show. Bang im awake ok “I have to go to work” I tell her as it could be hours or even a day or two before anything happens but “you must ring me the minute anything else happens”. I leave for work happy in the knowledge my child (we didn’t find out what we were having) would soon be joining us and that I would get a phone call before anything significant happened.


1pm my mobile rings it’s the OH, blimey that was quick I’m thinking but it’s probably just an early contraction or maybe even less as she did promise to ring me…….”Hello”……”is everything Ok babe”…….”It hurts, I cant do this anymore”…….”how close are the contractions”…..”I don’t know it just hurts”…..”I’m on my way”

Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god…breath…right what do I need to do…erm mind work dam you…”Steve you need to go, don’t worry about work just go” that’s my staff telling me what to do. So I ran from work,  lunch still in the fridge (It took a week for that to be shifted ewwww) trying not to drive like a madman home.

Beeeeeeep will you get out of the way and stop driving at stupid speeds for the love of god. A 30 minute journey done in 20 minutes not bad. Rushed in the door to find my OH slumped over a coffee table feverishly pressing buttons on her tens machine. Ok lets time these contractions go……

Start the clock I will go and grab clothes waiting for the next one. Half way up the stairs a cry, no a scream, I’m not sure what it was but it wasn’t good. Back down the stairs in one mighty bound. Was that another contraction, but thats only a minute, your contractions are only a minute apart. That means……..

Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god..breathe…right hospital, let’s go, get in the car got to go. My other half lets out a moan I need the toilet. There is no time we have to go now but off she waddled to the toilet. I at this point remember to breath managed to change and help my OH to the back seat of the car. Bags were packed months ago but what a god send that was, the thought of me having to try to pack a bag right at that moment in time are inconceivable. The route was also planned and practiced and again a god send because the driving was on auto pilot.

On route to the hospital with my OH on all fours on the back seat. Waters broke, and amongst some screams, some apologies for the car (like I care about a car) I heard “I need to push”

Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, were having the baby in the car. Foot down, “DONT PUSH” “I need to push” “DONT PUSH” we finally arrived at the hospital pulled up outside right lets run up to the delivery ward. Half a step and 5 minutes later, I realised this may take a while and my panicked ramblings werent helping, so with some deep breathing (mine) and some gentle encouragement (honest :p) we did get up to the delivery ward.

So where’s our room, well we need to assess your OH first see if she’s really in labour so please go and wait in that crowded waiting room with small plastic chairs. Erm your ok we will wait here, “but this could take a while” “we haven’t got a while lady she is about to push” (I’m not the most patient of people at the best of times so this really wasn’t going to wash with me). To their credit 5 minutes after telling them about possibly pushing we were in a room and had 3 mid wives on hand…..result.

The next 2 hours are a bit of a blur, OH  needed some anti-biotics which needed 2 hours to get into her system so it was a case of wait for a bit and try not to push. To give you an idea of how much of a blur the whole process was to this point. My phone call at work was 1pm at 5.15pm the midwives were ready my OH was ready and we were pushing.

Push from your bum, push from your bum well it’s what the midwives were shouting so shout it as well I did. A lot of pushing a lot of screaming (I was very brave) but all in all very little seemed to happen from where I was. (safely at the top end of the bed thank you very much) The midwives however were getting anxious as munch (as we affectionately call him now) was starting to panic and the heart beat was a bit erratic. My OH by this time was shattered, we still had 3 midwives on hand and for my part well I was worried, as is my way. I started to scream a bit louder with my enthusiastic push from your bum and whilst I like to think it was my encouragement in truth I think a change of position and a second wind for my OH and all of sudden a head appeared. This was very quickly followed by arms a body and out slithered what turned out to be a boy. I was pretty much and emotional wreck at this point but held it together, cut the cord he was whisked away for some oxygen (que me panicking again), just a precaution to clear his lungs. Before long he was with mum and we were looking down on our new baby boy

My son, our son was born 6.15pm, 6lb 1oz, on 26/9/2011 and in that moment we decided upon the name Henry. It was a rollercoaster 5 hours from the phone call at work to Henry being born. A day i will never ever forget and from that moment my life had changed forever as I now have this little boy to care for, for the rest of my life.

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